𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗼𝗹𝗹𝘆’𝘀 𝗖𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗿 – this week: Lilith – Teddy Head

Welcome all to 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗼𝗹𝗹𝘆’𝘀 𝗖𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗿, a series of weekly reviews by Charles Connolly – an artist in his own right. Here, Charles delves into the greatest brand new singles brought to you by the best unsigned artists on our electrifying and eclectic set of 𝙉𝙚𝙬 𝘼𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙨𝙩 𝙎𝙥𝙤𝙩𝙡𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 playlists.

𝙇𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙝 – 𝙏𝙚𝙙𝙙𝙮 𝙃𝙚𝙖𝙙

Charles writes for TV…

I thought since many of you might already know my pick of the week, I’d make the review a little more entertaining. Something a little different. And for those who don’t know the song, you’re in for a treat. Unfortunately though, those not familiar with the American television comedy, Cheers, should perhaps skip this episode and just listen to the song. One quick phonetical thing before I start: you will occasionally see ‘ż’. This is to be read as the ‘s’ in usual. Oh, and do the different voices in your head for better effect.

CHEERS: THE LOST EPISODE

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

[brief clarinets play into the scene]

Woody struggles in cutting the limes.

SAM: “You wanna little help with those limes there, Wood? I’m sure the customers don’t want fingernails in their drinks…”

WOODY: “Sorry, Sam. I just keep hearing this banging from somewhere. I can’t concentrate.”

SAM: “Banging? I don’t hear anything. You hear anything, Cliff?”

CLIFF: “No, I don’t hear anything. Could be that brain of yours playing tricks on you, Wood. Maybe get that checked by a doctor. Frayż, you wanna maybe have a look at the boy?”

FRASIER: “Oh-hahaha, that’s good, Cliff. Woody’s brain. Hahaha. No? Ah well, just me then.”

CARLA: “Shut yer pie-hole and drink yer drink, or I’ll turn your head into a lime. I’m sure Woody wouldn’t miss THAT one.”

FRASIER: “Touché! Right. Will do!”

[Cheers theme]

NORM: “Afternoon everybody.”

EVERYBODY: “NORM!”

WOODY: “You lost a little weight, Mr. Peterson?”

NORM: “Woody, you’d better start pouring now so I leave here as drunk as you seem.”

SAM: “Haha! Nah, give Woody a break. He’s been under a bit of stress lately.”

NORM: “Oh yeah? What’s pokin’ the old Woodster, eh Wood?”

WOODY: “Oh, Mr. Peterson, I’m sorry. I just keep hearing things.”

SAM: “Yeah, the kid says he’s hearing banging. Probably just needs some time off.”

CLIFF: “Yeah, I still say he should see a doctor. The thing about doctors is-”

NORM: “Yeah shut up, Cliff. Well Sam, why don’t ya give him some time off?”

SAM: “I’d need cover and all I have right now is Carla.”

CARLA: “I don’t mind covering Woody, Sam.”

SAM: “But you’ve got your own shifts, Carla.”

CARLA: “Look. Let’s be real, here. Covering Woody is like Lilith wearing makeup. It doesn’t really make a difference. Here’s how it works: I do my shift and you pay me double.”

WOODY: “Carla, I’m standing right here!”

CARLA: “Oh, I wouldn’t have noticed. That lime’s feeling as safe as when it was still hangin’ on a tree.”

SAM: “All right, guys, guys! Calm down. Carla, do your job. Woody, would ya just cut the damn limes! And Carla, I’m NOT paying you double. Say Frayż, where IS Lilith anyway? Haven’t seen her in a while.”

FRASIER: “Well, Sam, that’s very kind of you to ask as to the whereabouts of my sweetest buttercup. To quote her exact words, I think it was: I’d rather not spend my life rotting in a stinking hell-hole with those bums you call friends. Now while this could be construed in many beautiful ways, I prefer to stay silent and not tussle with the bustle.”

SAM: “Ha! You worried she might leave you cold in bed?”

CARLA: “HA! Why don’t ya just cuddle up to an ice box?! That’d be much warmer.”

WOODY: “Guys, I heard it again. That banging. It’s givin’ me the creeps!”

SAM: “Okay, Woody, go home. You need some rest. Go get yer coat from the closet, I’ll finish the damn limes.”

CARLA: “You sure you can spare the 48 seconds, Sammy?”

SAM: “Carla, go help Woody.”

CLIFF: “Er I still say he should see a doctor. Can’t keep going around talking about things that are only in his head.”

CARLA: “Why not? YOU do.”

Frasier chuckles.

SAM: “Knock it off guys. I’m runnin’ a friendly bar, here.”

FRASIER: “Now now, Sam’s right. We mustn’t fight. This is our place of refuge, not a quarrel-house. How’s about I buy everyone a round of drinks to set everyone’s spirits at ease. Norm, what are you drinking?”

NORM: “Well, I thought for a change I’d go for a beer? What kind of a question is THAT, Frayż??”

FRASIER: “Sorry, Norm. I was losing myself in all the ruckus. But I can already feel the spirits calming as we down them. Hahaha. Just a spirits joke… Anyone? No? All right then, just me again.”

WOODY: “Please, Dr. Crane, don’t mention spirits. The banging’s getting louder.”

FRASIER: “Oh Woody, pull yourself together. There is NO BANGING!”

CLIFF: “Errrr- I’m not so sure about that. I think I also heard some banging there, Frayż…”

FRASIER: “Oh, not you too, Cliff. You see, this is what we in the world of psychology call the power of suggestion.”

NORM: “Oh yeah. Like when I suggest Sam pours me another beer?”

CLIFF: “Nah, you’re far off the mark there, Norm. This is where one person says they feel something and they keep saying it so much that the other person starts to feel it, despite it not being there.”

CARLA: “Nah. The power of suggestion is when I suggest you shut your trap or you’ll start to hear death callin’.”

FRASIER: “Oh-haha. You guys really do make this place enjoyable. But Cliff, you were in fact completely right, if a little lumpen in your wording.”

NORM: “Lumpen…? Hey Cliff, I think he’s calling you fat. Hope you’ve got a good comeback. Heh-heh?”

CLIFF: “No Norm, I get his point. He’s the wordy kind. I’ll be the first to admit that Frasier is the best in this bar at words. As I’m sure no one would argue that I’m the best at-”

WOODY: “Delivering letters, Mr. Clavin?”

CARLA: “Ha! Spoutin’ garbage that no one ever asked to hear?”

SAM: “You still here, Wood?”

WOODY: “Well obviously I’m still here. You think I’m hearing things, and now you think you’re seeing things?? Sam, I’m worried about you.”

SAM: “Figure of speech there, Woody.”

WOODY: “I heard it again, Sam. I’m scared.”

CLIFF: “Yeah, I definitely heard banging that time.”

NORM: “Vera? Is that you??”

By this point, the cast has migrated towards Woody at the door of the cupboard under the stairs.

CARLA: “Oh my God, I hear it TOO! I KNEW it. It’s the forces of evil that Madame Lazora said would eventually emanate from this bar.”

NORM: “I think that’s my lunch. Sorry, guys.”

CARLA: “I’m serious, Norm! This is a bad omen.”

FRASIER: “Carla, there is no such thing as the forces of evil.”

CLIFF: “Well actually it has been known for forces of evil to-“

EVERYBODY: “Shut up, Cliff!”

SAM: “All right, all right. Enough’s enough, I can hear it too. Now I’m going in there to prove that there’s a simple explanation for all this. Woody, move.”

WOODY: “I can’t! I think my feet are glued to the floor.”

SAM: “Guys? Could you?”

The cast lifts and moves Woody like a stiff totem pole, only horizontal.

SAM: “Right. I’m opening the damn door. Just to show you it’s n-… Coach? COACH?? Okay, Frasier, what is going on? Am I losing my mind? If you can all see Coach, are we all losin’ our minds??”

FRASIER: “I-, I’m as baffled as you are, Sam. I’d be inclined to believe that we have all indeed temporarily lost our minds through some sort of power of suggestion, but in overdrive. I’ve never known anything quite like it.”

SAM: “I’m panicking here. Paul! You just got here. Who do you see in the closet?”

PAUL: “That’s Coach. Hey Coach. Didn’t you used to be dead?”

SAM: “Of course he used to be dead!! He IS dead!!”

COACH: “I’m not dead, Sam.”

SAM: “Well how do you explain the whole DYING THING THEN??!!”

COACH: “I just got stuck in here a few years ago, and I didn’t know how to get out.”

All nonchalant, everyone draws back to their usual position in the bar.

NORM: “So, how’s it hangin’, Coach?”

SAM: “How’s it HANGING?? The dude is DEAD!!”

COACH: “I’m really not, Sam. Here, siddown. Let me get you a coffee.”

Rebecca eventually enters the bar from the office.

REBECCA: “What’s going on, guys? I’m trying to have an important phone call in there and all I can hear is Sam shouting about- AARRRGGHHH!!! COACH!!!!!!”

COACH: “Afternoon everybody.”

EVERYBODY: “COACH!!!”

Lilith enters the bar.

FRASIER: “Hello, my little sugar button.”

LILITH: “What’s going on here? It looks like everyone’s seen a ghost.”

CARLA: “They have NOW!”

FRASIER: “A funny turn of events here at Cheers, my dear. Coach has seemingly come back from the dead.”

LILITH: “Oh curse it. He got out.”

FRASIER: “WHAT? My dear, you don’t sound remotely surprised. And what do you mean by HE GOT OUT??”

LILITH: “Oh look, you all know how much I despise this place and everyone in it. It’s the stupidity and the sport.”

FRASIER: “But darling, that’s literally what this bar is. I mean, it’s a sports bar full of stupid people. No offence, guys.”

EVERYBODY: “No, none taken.”

LILITH: “I just couldn’t stand it a moment longer. Of course, this was before I strangely grew attached to the place, mainly because otherwise I knew I would barely ever see YOU, Frasier. But before that brief moment of insanity, I just could not stand the place. I realised that the dumbest, stupidest, most moronic of all was Coach, so I decided to teach you all a lesson, taking him away from you. So, while he was in the closet looking for the baseball cap that was already on his head, I simply closed the door. It was supposed to be a brief prank for a day or two, and then someone would twig. Evidently his absence made you all jump to the absurd conclusion that he was dead, and that was that.”

FRASIER: “Lilith!! Please tell me this is one of those jokes of yours that goes just a tad too far, hm?”

CARLA: “Lilith, made one of those jokes. Lilith. Made one of those jokes. Nope, can’t see it. I mean, she IS one of those jokes, but making one?? Nah.”

FRASIER: “Darling, I’m serious. Did this really happen?”

LILITH: “Sweet, innocent Frasier. It did. And I was going to tell you, but in being the devil incarnate, something stopped me.”

FRASIER: “The devil? You? But you’re so warm and kind.”

CARLA: “Sure. And I’m Marilyn Monroe. I don’t know which one of you I hate more. Right now, I’m inclined towards the devil.”

LILITH: “Oh, Frasier. It’s in the name! Lilith! Of course I’m the devil.”

FRASIER: “But, I, I…”

SAM: “Can you two lovebirds take this elsewhere. Lilith, I never want to see you again. Frayż, likewise, or at least until I can see straight, okay? Okay. Carla, get them outta here.”

CARLA: “With great pleasure, Sam!”

CLIFF: “Eerr- I always wondered about Lilith.”

NORM: “Did ya, Cliff?”

CARLA: “Oh come OFF it, Cliff. She duped you just like she duped us all.”

CLIFF: “Eerr, maybe you’re right. So Coach, how did you survive in there for so long?”

COACH: “Ya know, that’s a funny question.”

NORM: “Funny, huh? How’s that?”

COACH: “I don’t know. That’s just how I reply to questions I don’t know the answer to.”

NORM: “But Coach, didn’t you ALWAYS answer questions like that?”

COACH: “Ya know, that’s a funny question.”

SAM: “All right, Coach, you’ve been in there a long time. Why don’t ya siddown and I’ll get ya somethin’ from Melville’s.”

NORM: “Ooooh! MELville’s!”

SAM: “Come on, guys, how would you feel if you’d been locked in a closet for years? Rebecca, can you make sure Coach is okay while I go get him somethin’ to eat? Rebecca?? Ah Jeez, she just pokes her head out of the office for one minute, then she’s back in there again. Coach, you gonna be okay here for a minute?”

COACH: “Sam, when did Diane dye her hair?”

SAM: “That’s not Diane, that’s Rebecca.”

COACH: “Oh. When did Diane change her name to Rebecca?”

SAM: “Coach, would ya just sit there for a minute? Would ya do that for Sammy? Thanks. Appreciate it.”

CLIFF: “I reckon he was holding his breath most of the time. Actually, some say the ancient UmBongo tribes are still alive today by using the same method.”

NORM: “Do they, Cliff. Do they really. Hey, Frayż is back! Hey, Frayż. So is your wife really the devil?”

FRASIER: “Yes, Norm. She is. How could I have never made the connection between MY Lilith and THE Lilith. Woody, now you’re back to normal, would you pour me a large whiskey? A double large.”

WOODY: “Sure, Mr. Crane. Say, isn’t that your evil wife back in the bar again? Hi, evil devil woman! My mother always said to be polite to everybody, even if you don’t like ‘em”

FRASIER: “Good God, the evil bitch is back.”

LILITH: “I had hoped to pick up my husband and make amends, but after hearing your idiocy, Woody, I’m going to turn right around and leave for good. I’ve simply had enough of simple minds.”

CLIFF: “Now now, Lilith. Simple Minds are pretty good, I’ll have you know. I like that one, Don’t You Forget About Me. You like that one, Norm?”

NORM: “Cliffy, I kinda stopped buying records in around 1975, so I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”

WOODY: “Wasn’t that about the time you started coming to Cheers?”

NORM: “Yeah, about then. Wood, I was just wondering, has Lilith ever had a bar tab?”

WOODY: “Why yes, she has one outstanding actually.”

NORM: “Ah good. Pour me another beer will ya, Woody? Put it on the evil bitch woman’s tab. Ah, the sweet fiery taste of Hell’s nectar.”

CLIFF: “Ya know, nectar is quite the misunderstood thing. Most people assume th-”

EVERYBODY: “Shut up Cliff.”

CARLA: “YEEAHH, Clavin. And an extra special shut up from me.”

END CREDITS

I often think of the New Artist Spotlight as Cheers. Where everybody knows your name. Well, where everybody knows MY name, anyway. Doo doo doo. And you’re always glad you came. Doo doo doo. While our troubles are all the same, I just wanted to shake things up a bit and spend a ridiculous amount of time (even longer than usual) making a fictional (even more so) mini-episode of Cheers. Why? Ya know, that’s a funny question. But unlike Coach, I have an answer. The answer being my pick for this week. It comes in the form of Lilith, by Teddy Head. Which I can only assume is another way of saying “bed hair”. Look. When seeing the title of this song, possibly like many of you, I didn’t immediately think of the devil. I thought of Cheers. I might however be the only one. In which case, this might seem a little strange (or utterly absurd). I also hope that at least SOME of you are familiar with the show, or that won’t have made any sense at all. Teddy Head is but one man from Britain. Which sure fooled me! I assumed it was a big, fat rocking band from America! Wrong. Just one English chap. His name (as far as I can tell) is Daniel Blackmore. I will assume no relation to Deep Purple guitarist Ritchie Blackmore. Although that would explain how he is able to rock so damned hard. In fact Mr. Head rocks far harder. The only thing Daniel took from Ritchie is the itch. He must have it, for there is one thing this song gives in spades. This one thing it holds from its first note to its last. It’s something I must admit to missing of late. Something that most songs (mainstream and independent) seem to lack these days. Can you guess…? It’s energy. Energy through the darkness of these lyrics that is simply thrilling. And all I can say is, poor Frasier. Who knew! My apologies, but I am frankly exhausted from my writing, so I will just say this: listen once, listen again. It doesn’t get heavier than this. Hold on to your seat. You will be hooked. Hooked by the devil. In a good way. Why not let Teddy Head know YOUR thoughts on the song in the comments?

And finally for something slightly annoying. Annoying for me, I mean. Great for you. Young Teddy has just (I mean JUST) released another new song, TODAY. And it’s great! I mean, how was I to assume that he might release a song just 18 days after the one I reviewed here…? Perhaps it’s all an extended run up to Halloween, what with the theme of the darkness below…? I dunno. Anyway, you have not one, but TWO to listen to.

COACH: “Has anybody seen my hat? Oh, never mind, it was on my head. I’d just like to say one thing. Cheers!”

Listen to 𝙇𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙝 on the 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗼𝗹𝗹𝘆’𝘀 𝗖𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗿 Spotify playlist HERE!

Listen to 𝙇𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙝 on the 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗼𝗹𝗹𝘆’𝘀 𝗖𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗿 Apple Music playlist HERE!

Listen to 𝙇𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙝 on YouTube HERE!

Follow 𝙏𝙚𝙙𝙙𝙮 𝙃𝙚𝙖𝙙 on Instagram HERE!

Follow 𝙏𝙚𝙙𝙙𝙮 𝙃𝙚𝙖𝙙 on TwiX HERE!

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